Day 432

Doing Nothing

It is not to be berated.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
It is not beneath me to be doing nothing.

It means giving myself permission to rest, recover and heal.
Making time for myself and those close to me.
Creating space for something new to arise and awaken.
Allowing time and tide to soothe.
Like a clearing in a forest,
Opening up a new field of possibilities.
Stopping and seeing the world and me in a different light.
Connecting with the earth, sky, plants and all, through me.
Being not in a role but just me, my ‘Self’.
It is perfect. Delightful. Like floating on warm water.

Right now, the only thing I need to do that is really important is a big fat Nothing and I am loving doing it.

“It is not necessary that you leave the house. Remain at your table and listen. Do not even listen, only wait. Do not even wait, be wholly still and alone. The world will present itself to you for its unmasking, it can do no other, in ecstasy it will writhe at your feet.” – Franz Kafka

Day 426

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Wake! For the Sun, who scatter’d into flight
The Stars before him from the Field of Night,
Drives Night along with them from Heav’n, and strikes
The Sultan’s Turret with a Shaft of Light.

Before the phantom of False morning died,
Methought a Voice within the Tavern cried,
“When all the Temple is prepared within,
Why nods the drowsy Worshipper outside?”

Whether at Naishapur or Babylon,
Whether the Cup with sweet or bitter run,
The Wine of Life keeps oozing drop by drop,
The Leaves of Life keep falling one by one.

A book, a woman, and a flask of wine:
The three make heaven for me; it may be thine
Is some sour place of singing cold and bare —
But then, I never said thy heaven was mine.

Ah, make the most of what we yet may spend,
Before we too into the Dust descend;
Dust into Dust, and under Dust to lie
Sans Wine, sans Song, sans Singer, and — sans End!

Myself when young did eagerly frequent
Doctor and Saint, and heard great argument
About it and about: but evermore
Came out by the same door where in I went.

With them the seed of Wisdom did I sow,
And with mine own hand wrought to make it grow;
And this was all the Harvest that I reap’d —
“I came like Water, and like Wind I go”.

There was the Door to which I found no Key;
There was the Veil through which I might not see:
Some little talk awhile of Me and Thee
There was — and then no more of Thee and Me.

Oh, threats of Hell and Hopes of Paradise!
One thing at least is certain — This Life flies;
One thing is certain and the rest is Lies;
The Flower that once has blown forever dies.

Strange, is it not? that of the myriads who
Before us pass’d the door of Darkness through,
Not one returns to tell us of the Road,
Which to discover we must travel too.

We are no other than a moving row
Of Magic Shadow-shapes that come and go
Round with the Sun-illumined Lantern held
In Midnight by the Master of the Show;

And that inverted Bowl they call the Sky,
Whereunder crawling coop’d we live and die,
Lift not your hands to It for help — for It
As impotently moves as you or I.
Yesterday This Day’s Madness did prepare;
To-morrow’s Silence, Triumph, or Despair:
Drink! for you know not whence you came, nor why:
Drink! for you know not why you go, nor where.

Oh, Thou who Man of baser Earth didst make,
And ev’n with Paradise devise the Snake:
For all the Sin wherewith the Face of Man
Is blacken’d — Man’s forgiveness give — and take!

Indeed the Idols I have loved so long
Have done my credit in this World much wrong:
Have drown’d my Glory in a shallow Cup
And sold my Reputation for a Song.

Omar Khayyam

Day 417

Today is my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary.
Golden!

While on the phone with them about 10 days ago, I realized that it is a big deal. I had not really given it much thought. Between work, home improvements and all the other stuff that goes on in my heart and mind, I am often not aware of anything else. It was almost as if I had just learnt that this was going to be a very special occasion.

Well. Now that it had struck me and I had woken up, I had 10 days to do something about. So, we planned a surprise visit from London to India and back at extremely short notice – leave, visa, tickets, gifts and cards! It was as much a surprise for me as for them.

My brothers conspired with me to ensure that my parents would be at home when I got there and the scene was set. When I got home, the front door was already ajar for some reason. I wore my new hat and knocked lightly on the door. Then I walked in nonchalantly. My Mum and Dad were sitting in the front room having a cup of tea with a friend. The expressions on their faces changed several times within a second – from shock to confusion to surprise to disbelief and then utter and pure joy! It was priceless! Big hugs and smiles followed and the story slowly unfolded itself. Various pieces of the jigsaw came together and it absolutely made their day!

I am here as much for myself as for them. While it means a lot to them to have me here on their special day, it makes me happy that I can make them happy. Simple pleasures 🙂  Building memories with those we love. Cherishing them. That’s what it’s about.

While Saagar is with me always, I must remember to go on living for the living.

 

Day 416

lilies

Day 416

A few days ago I shared one of my favourite pictures of Saagar on this blog but I couldn’t get myself to talk about it because I just couldn’t. I knew I would just start blabbering my heart out like I am about to.

That picture was taken during his last year at school, sometime in 2012. That was one of the few in which he had managed to keep a straight face probably because he had to as it was taken at his school.

What can I say?
That the light in his eyes is the light in my life.
That I remember how he got annoyed with me if I touched his hair.
That I loved the little dimple on his chin.
That I adored his lashes from day he was born till the day he died.
That he is beautiful.
(I would say that. Wouldn’t I? Completely unbiased!)
Each time I see his face my heart shatters into smithereens and at the same time I find the strength to stay solid.
That this picture is the wallpaper on my phone and I show it off to anyone who will see it.
I look at it when I want to know what the time is or when I need to use my phone for any other reason and often for no reason other than just to look at him.

That I am so proud to be his Mum.
That I love him. He is my superstar.
That he will always live though me.
Through my work and my way of being.

3 memorial services have been held in his memory since he left. All of them, reminders of the incredibly positive impact he has had on many people’s lives. In his 20 years he has touched more lives than many do in 80 years or more.

“You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

The two options are not mutually exclusive.
I live them both together in every moment.
I didn’t know that was possible but it is.

Day 413

This is Saagar.

SaagarBWs

If I knew that everyone taking care of him had done everything in their power to help him I would have felt a lot better. While it is very upsetting to see the gaps in knowledge and organization amongst medics, it is clear that there are areas that they don’t even know that they don’t know anything about. One of them is suicide prevention.

Cardio-Pulmonary Resuscitation(CPR) training is mandatory for all health care professionals because it saves lives. Shouldn’t Suicide Prevention Training be mandatory as well? We know it saves lives.

I heard a truly compassionate psychiatrist speak today, Dr Alys Cole-King. Her vast knowledge and passion about Suicide Prevention was truly inspiring. She is absolutely committed to the cause of Suicide Prevention and spends a lot of her time travelling around the UK working for the cause.

Connecting with People is an organisation set up by her and some of her friends to enable them to have a sizeable impact on reducing deaths by suicide.

I look forward to being able to help them in whatever way I can.