belonging

Day 463

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For 5 years Si and I were in a relationship. We lived continents apart. We saw each other for a few days every 3-4 months. For one reason or another it was not possible for us to live together or even in the same time zone. He needed his job and I needed mine. That was that and we seemed to be unable to change the status quo. At some level we were ok with it otherwise we wouldn’t be doing it. Our friends told us that these days it is not unusual for couples to live happily like that. We told ourselves the same thing.

For the last 16 months we have been living together. Our separations have been short, few and far between. We have come to share our lives, thoughts, hopes, feelings, dreams and ideas with each other on a daily basis. Some days we might see each other only for an hour or less but that has become important. We are renovating our house together and that is the first major project we have taken on as one. It’s exciting. The house feels like a home again even though it is filled with dust and the awful smell of paint. Most of the furniture is on its side or heaped up in the centre of rooms.

For 5 days, he’s been away. It seems like a very long time.
The things we tell ourselves!

Life is too short to fit all the love in. 

Day 453

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Taxi Watch.
What is it? Where?
It is a proactive approach to suicide prevention by taxi drivers in Northern Ireland.
Why was it set up?
Londonderry has a long-standing tradition of community-based initiatives, including creches and schools. The city’s taxi drivers wanted to do something to help the many distressed and suicidal individuals their work brought them into contact with. Four types of scenario were causing the drivers concern:

  • Preventing suicides in public places
  • Having a distressed passenger in the cab and listening to them pour out their troubles, but not knowing how to respond
  • Driving across the local river and spotting an individual on one of the bridges who was clearly contemplating jumping, and feeling ill-equipped to intervene
  • Seeing an individual in the water and being unable to effect a rescue

They set up Taxi Watch, initially with a small amount of private funding. The scheme provides ASIST and safeTALK training to taxi drivers to equip them with the skills and confidence to engage with someone who may be suicidal and to keep them safe. It provides them with rescue kits that can be kept in the cab. These include basic first-aid equipment and a throw-line that can be used to pull someone out of the water. The throw-lines are particularly important in preventing an individual being swept away, as the river is notoriously fast-flowing and it may be too late by the time the emergency services arrive. They are trained in the use of the equipment and in basic first aid. More funding from the BIG Lottery has meant that the drivers have been able to extend their role as first responders, and now also carry defibrillators.

Everyone can do something – hair-dressers, bartenders, bus drivers, train staff and passengers …

Day 446

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This Crippling Cruel Cursed Common cold has completely flattened me.

Is it a co-incidence that it has come near the end of this lovely 2 and a half week holiday? Or is it most natural at this time when I feel a deep resistance to leaving home? I am now leaving one home for another, writing this blog on the plane while topped up with paracetamol, slipping in and out of sleep, in between bouts of sneezing and cups of tea, keeping a wad of tissues handy and intermittently smelling my mother’s white cotton handkerchief dabbed  with eucalyptus oil.

The fever and body ache somehow bring emotions closer to the surface. They make me feel fragile. Bidding farewell to my family has been harder than usual. But I am grateful to have had the chance to hug them as I bid goodbye.

With Saagar that didn’t happen.
No hugs. No kisses. No tears.
No ‘Bye darling’.
No ‘See you later’.
Nothing.

That rude severance, sudden departure, quiet exit has left me utterly and desperately incomplete … as if in suspended animation, hanging in mid-air, like an unfinished sentence…
Is there any way to completion now?
Is there any such thing as a complete story, a complete life?

Each journey is individual and unique. People come and go as and when they please. I suppose it is wonderful that they choose to walk with me for as long as they do. Sometimes we only realise how much we love someone after they leave us. Too late! If only we could show our love and appreciation for our dear ones while they are still here with us…

Day 443

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Lately it’s been all about “Happy New Year!”

Lots of happy and unhappy people have been wishing ‘happiness’ to other happy and unhappy people. It is the perpetual pursuit, the ultimate blessing, the prime and often illusive objective, the much misunderstood ‘emotion’, the birth right of every being.

Numerous books have been written on the subject. Many enlightened souls have claimed knowledge of the secret short-cut to this popular and seemingly distant destination.

What is this thing? What does it look like? Where should I start the search for it? How do I go about it? Even if I find it, how long do I get to keep it? Is it possible to hold on to it for as long as I like? Can someone else give it to me? Will someone take it away again? Could I be forced to give it up? Once lost, is it retrievable? Is it always the same or does it change? Is it gradable – mild, moderate, severe?

It is different things for different people I guess. For me it means being in an unruffled and unrufflable state. Being ok within myself. Being in a state of gratitude. Being in a state of abundance. Knowing that I am and will be well taken care of by Mother Nature. I am aware that when the judgemental section of my head decides to rule over my heart, I am heading towards an unhappy state. I am also aware that when I get caught up in the feelings of my near and dear ones and try to fix it for them, it is a recipe for disaster.

My happiness lies within me and is always available to me.
I just need to choose to access it more often. Every moment.
My wish for you is that you may choose to access your happiness that lies within you every moment of everyday.

 

Day 437

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One year ago I was here – exactly at this spot on this beach with my man, Si. I sat for hours looking at the waves come and go, over and over again. I sat feeling blank, shocked and sad. I just sat.
Some days I walked a hundred yards.
Once or twice I had a soak in the sea.
Mostly I stared vacantly into the distance, missing him so much that the pain felt like a burning hole through my chest.

Today I am here again. Si is still by my side. I don’t know how he does it. My parents are here. A very close friend is also here. Five of us are having a relaxing and nourishing time together. Saagar is here of course. His thoughts and memories are here. The questions are still here. The umpteen ways in which I could have changed the course of nature if only time would rewind are also here and the chorus continuously marches through my head. This caravan travels with me everywhere. It does not appear to be thinning but my ability to carry it has improved.

The rice and fish curry this afternoon was absolutely delicious. Saagar would have loved it. He would definitely have licked his plate as a complement to the chef. Yes. To my utter horror he could be like that sometimes.

Every moment of everyday is still filled with emptiness but I can eat, walk, laugh, play and somehow appear ‘normal’. I don’t know how I do it.