I am alive.
I am alive because of my cats.
I am alive because I connect.
I am alive because of talking, laughing, crying and sharing.
I am alive because inside of me there is a seed of hope.
I am alive because I can make a difference.
I am alive because I know I am loved even if I don’t always feel it.
I am alive today because I remembered the feeling would pass.
I am alive because some people realise how difficult it is for me to be here.
I am alive because I am moved by music and stories.
I am alive because I am open to whatever the universe might bring.
I am alive because someone told me it would matter to them if I died.
I am alive because someone knew how to talk to me about suicide.
I am alive because I take responsibility.
I am alive because I love.
I am alive because I can see that in a strange way life is still beautiful.
compassion
Day 499
499 days!
That’s how long it’s been since our son Saagar left us. Apparently he left by choice. What sort of choice? I don’t know. I never will.
How did he get to that point?
How did we get through all these days and months without him?
I have no clue.
Life has been cleaved mercilessly into – ‘before’ and ‘after’. How can this unthinkable, unimaginable happening be for real?
That gorgeous naughty smile, that kind and generous heart – how can it just disappear?
The mind constantly goes back to ‘before’ and re-arranges events in order to eliminate the ‘after’. But we are here – in the ‘after’ which feels like a tiny cage of barbed wire. Sitting here rudderless and alone, I am lost. I am not alone in the sense of being without people who love me but I am the only person who is his mother. I am lost without him. None of this makes any sense. This is not how it is supposed to be. It is not in the script.
Now what?
His drum kit, cricket bat, books, t-shirts, shorts and trainers are still here. I am still here.
In a way, he is here.
In our smiles and tears.
In the hearts of all those who love him.
Love.
Although my mind has doubted it, my heart knows it to be eternal and pure.
Like a river that starts as a glacier and ends as the ocean, love changes and flows.
When I want to see Saagar, I close my eyes and be with our love. The light of love comes through the barbed wire cage. In this light I can see the grief, guilt and anger as nothing but distortions of love. Just like white light is not a colour but the sum of all possible colours, love encompasses everything. If there were no love, there would be no sorrow. They are reflections of each other.
While engulfed in darkness, I see the light of love and hang on to it. It is my anchor in this choppy sea. I can depend on it. Like a night traveller navigating her way through the dark, love is my north star. I can trust it to always find me.
It is the light of love that has got us through the past 499 days.
As Rumi says – The wound is the place where the light enters you.
Day 498
It started with a box of chocolates. In 1979, one woman identified the need for a day-care centre for the mentally ill in a small community in Birmingham. She took a box of chocolates to their hostel and soon became friends with them. She slowly gathered community resources in the form of food, clothes, space and people in order to help them regain their self esteem.
Kinmos became a place where they could find warmth, refreshment, recreation and above all friendship. A few months later the Kinmos Volunteer Group was registered as a charity and by July 1980 it’s first full time paid organiser had been appointed. A great number of people from the local community, the churches, schools, businesses, individuals and the grant making authorities contribute to enabling Kinmos to pay salaries and running costs and providing equipment, gifts, food and funding for parties and outings. Kinmos continues to provide a haven where all who visit can find relaxation, support, friendship and respect. It also offers
-
One to one support and encouragement focusing on good mental and physical health and well-being;
-
An early intervention strategy to delay the need for support from other statutory bodies by closely monitoring service users’ triggers and detecting early warning signs of deterioration in their mental health and
-
Support to carers and families.
This story fills me with hope.
I believe that each one of us can do something when we have passion and compassion.
Day 496
She lives with me.
I am somewhat hoping and she is somewhat coping.
I walk, holding up my head
And her weight drags, pulling me back to bed.
I attempt a smile and she whispers – “Stop it! You pretender.”
When I try to talk and listen,
she ruffles all my thoughts and gets them to commission,
A stream of tears to be delivered to the windows of my sole.
In her mind, what is my role?
When I think I am by myself,
She sneaks up on me and hisses and spits like hell.
Occasionally she shows compassion
But mostly she’s self-pitying,
Demanding my attention.
While I keep myself distracted with BBC and such like
She curses under her breath with spite.
She is so sad. It’s unbearable to watch.
I think she should see a doctor but she says
“For what?”
“I wish I could sue them all and get them publicly hanged.”
What do you say to someone like that?
I wonder if she’ll ever leave me alone.
May be she just won’t.
Would I ever let her go?
Someone who’s lost so?
Afterall, I’m her’s and she’s mine.
Maybe we won’t.
Maybe we will. Be fine.
Day 495
“I’ve been trying hard to not feel lost. To feel like there’s still a bit of hope.”
Samaritans launched a new communications campaign in rail stations across England, Scotland and Wales, in partnership with Network Rail on behalf of the wider rail industry today.
It is targeted at the demographic group at the highest risk of suicide on the railways – middle aged men from lower income backgrounds. Through this partnership, training has been delivered to over 11,000 staff on the railways providing them with the skills needed to make hundreds of interventions every year to prevent people from harming themselves on the rail network.
Samaritan’s message in this ‘We Listen’ campaign is for everyone to call them and seek help early. They don’t want to be called only when someone reaches a ‘Crisis point’. They would like to listen to people in distress, explore their options with them and help them find their own way through.They receive 5.3 million calls every year which amounts to one every 6 seconds. They want to help callers reach a place where they can say:
“I don’t want you to save my life. I want you to stand by me while I save my own life.”
Samaritans is working on developing a national programme of suicide awareness and skills training for frontline NHS staff and other community settings such as schools, colleges, workplaces and job centres.
Great vision!
Go Samaritans!
kidsaregifts 