depression

Day 709

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Often I feel like I am hanging in between life and death. Neither fully alive nor fully dead. Will this plague stay within me forever or set me free one way, or another?

Andrew Sullivan, who suffered with AIDS and its accomplices writes :

“ And for a precious short time, like so many other (HIV) positive people, I also sensed that the key to living was not a concentration on fighting the mechanics of the disease (although that was essential) or fighting the mechanics of life (although that is inevitable), but an indifference to both of their imponderables. In order to survive mentally, I had to find a place within myself where plague couldn’t get me, where success or failure in such a battle was of equal consequence. This was not an easy task. It required resisting the emotional satisfaction of being cured and the emotional closure of death itself. But in that, of course, it resembled merely what we all go through every day. Living, I discovered for the second, but really the first time, is not about resolution; it is about the place where plague can’t get you.”

The grief of loosing Saagar is not the plague. It is unbearably sad but the plague is that voice in my head that screams – “You didn’t love him enough to save him. You could have done more. Love is in actions, not words. Love is not just an emotion. All this campaigning and writing is a cover-up. You will be found out. You didn’t care enough for your own child.”

That is the plague.
Living is, to find a place where the plague can’t get me.
To find a place where it can’t get me.
Cannot get me.

Day 708

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suicide_homicide_warA survey of 500 people revealed that a third of people didn’t feel comfortable at all talking to someone at work about mental health related issues and only 15% have had a colleague speak to them about their mental health.

The survey also uncovered an interesting trend: nearly a third of all male respondents have never had a friend, family member or colleague speak to them about their mental health. Worryingly, this statistic rises to 42% for males aged 45 and over and increases yet again to 60% for males aged 54 and over.

( Source:  www.team24.co.uk/suicide-prevention-day )

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“I would say that the vast majority of people who die by suicide, don’t necessarily want to be dead—they want to end their suffering and don’t know what else to do. We know from our clinical treatment research that suicidal suffering can be effectively treated. There is hope; suicidal states can be effectively treated and people can and do recover from suicidal suffering.”

David A. Jobes, Ph.D., ABPP. Professor of Psychology. Author of Managing Suicidal Risk

Prevention starts with a conversation.

Let’s start the conversation.

Day 706

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On some days the words come tumbling on to the page and arrange themselves exactly the way I want them to. Other times, they need coaxing, cajoling and persuading. They need a stage or a platform to be able to show up.
I sit down to write with my laptop at the kitchen table and notice that the sink has a tea cup and a tea spoon in it. Well, better wash them up before starting. Just then Milkshake comes in through the cat-flap looking very hungry! Got to feed him now. Look, the cushions are all over the place. Better fluff them up and sit them properly. Oh, the flowers and vases look a bit tired and dirty respectively. The water needs changed, dead heads discarded and the stems need trimmed down an inch or so. Nice! While I am at it, let me just quickly water the plants as well. May be add a bit of plant food too. I think the clothes are washed. This is a good time to move them to the drier. Oh! The drier already has dried clothes in it. Let me just sort them out while I can. That reminds me, there is dry-cleaning due for collection. Well, may be another time.
Right now I really need to write. But before that, I think a cup of mint tea would be really nice. I open the fridge to get some mint leaves and I find a box of strawberries. Let me just stem and halve these berries while the kettle is boiling. Si would love to have them after dinner. That done, I notice the land-line phone flashing at me. Let me just check the answer phone messages while the tea is brewing. What a lovely surprise to hear from a dear old friend in America. Can’t wait to catch up with her again. The time is about right, considering the difference in time zones. Shall I call her after finishing the writing?

May be just a quick call.

© Procastinators : Leaders of tomorrow. Or the day after.

 

Day 705

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Sometimes the strangest events stick in one’s memory. One such moment is the one when I fell in love with Brad Pitt. The one and only Miss Oprah Winfrey interviewed him on her show and asked him,
“What is your favourite age or time in your life?”
“Right now” said he.
(Ref : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1lfPp-ZgDg)

Mrs Smith files for divorce.
6 children, the true victims.
Being born into show biz is risky enough.
A custody battle on top!

Children brought up by single parents and in step families are three times more likely to suffer from mental health problems according to the Millenium Cohort Study, one of the largest longitudinal studies carried out on more than 10,000 kids in the UK. It collected and analysed information on various aspects of lives of children such as schooling, housing, parental marital status, employment and education.

(Source: http://www.cls.ioe.ac.uk/page.aspx?&sitesectionid=1330&sitesectiontitle=MCS+age+11+initial+findings)

It found that those brought up by both natural parents are far less likely to suffer severe emotional and behavioural problems. Experts said the findings added to “a mountain of evidence” about the damage caused to kids by the stress of family breakdowns.

Overall, 6.6 per cent of children living with both natural parents were found to have severe mental health problems, compared with 15 per cent of those living with single parents and 18 per cent of those living in step-families. Higher levels of mental health problems were found among boys, who were more likely than girls to suffer from conduct problems, hyperactivity and inattention.

Good luck dear Smith-lets! Look after each other. xxx

Day 704

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I love Mondays!
Yes. I did get strange looks when I made this declaration at work one time. But it is true and I don’t feel like a sad old soul for saying it.

Today is a Monday but I don’t like it. After being here for 5 lovely weeks, my parents left for India this afternoon. I got back to an empty house after all these weeks of coming home to beautiful aromas emanating from the kitchen and a nice cup of tea with them. This evening the house was dead quiet and I went straight to bed.

Not having them at the dinner table was really sad, especially because Mum had cooked our favourite okra dish for dinner before she left. They left the house filled with colourful lilies and chrysanthemums!

I feel envious of my friends when they say – ‘I am going for lunch with my mum’ or ‘we are going to see our folks this weekend’. I can’t do these things normally as my folks live more than 4000 miles away. But it’s been party-time everyday they’ve been here. We’ve had a great time together and I am very grateful for every second of it.

Good byes are always hard but now, more so than before.