depression

Day 696

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It started off very well. The young lady who looked like she had just walked out of a Boney M album gave us a nice little warm-up. I felt excited about the walk, having never done this kind of a distance before (50K). I didn’t know what to expect. Having so much time to think can open up all kinds of channels in the brain. So, I knew I had to watch myself which I did.

The first 30 kilo meters were easy despite the constant light drizzle interrupted by heavy showers a few times. At the very start we decided to not worry about the timing as we wanted this to be a pleasant and peaceful day. A few people asked us about Saagar whose picture they noticed hanging off our back-packs. They told us about their mum with dementia or their sister with cancer or their soldier husband with PTSD and so on. We shared our stories and derived comfort from each other. It made me marvel at the voluntary sector in this country and what a good job they do. I could see that in the field of Suicide Prevention too, the commitment of concerned charities is incredible. I felt great that I could help in some way. I also knew that my friends and family were thinking of us and derived strength from that.

Soon after the 30K point, the ground turned from a springy green grassy surface to a quagmire of mud. We had to place our feet on the slippery uneven path very carefully knowing that if we fell down, we possibly won’t be able to get up. It really slowed us down and greatly increased the tension in our legs.

Luckily around this time the rain stopped, the skies cleared up and we entered the serenity of the twilight zone. The legs by now were starting to complain but were still manageable. Annoyingly, some of the runners who had started their 100K run a couple of hours before us were now passing us.

The last 5 kilometers.
They were the test. They took me to the brink of my endurance.
Physical and emotional.
One pain making the other worse.
I so wanted to keep it together till we got to the end. If I would have stopped, I am not sure I could have re-started. The tears came right up to the eyes and one or two escaped into the darkness. Others just sat there and did not spill. They sat there looking at the parallel: finding myself in an impossible situation and yet somehow carrying on despite how I feel. The whole range of emotions from the last two years traversed through me in those last 2 hours.

I hung on to Si’s hand and kept walking funny/limping/hobbling. I am sure his left arm is marginally lengthier than the right one now.

By the time we reached the finish line, I was numb. I felt nothing.
We sat down and a lovely young man came up to us and asked about Saagar and then the dam burst open. It was long overdue. It was time.

Would I do this again?
Yes.
“I only went out for a walk and finally concluded to stay out till sundown, for going out, I found, was really going in.”
― John Muir

Day 695

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Wow! That was something.

50 K without much practice and with a few pre-existing issues in the right ankle and lower back for me and healing blisters from the last walk for Si.

It drizzled most of the day with no sunny spells and a few heavy showers. But around 5.30 pm it completely cleared up and we had a blissful walk in the twilight. The river and the life in and around it were making their sweet sounds, often unheard in London. More than half the moon was shining on us and soothing our aching legs. The last 5 kilometers were excruciating! Breathe in-2-3-4. Out-2-3-4. In through the nose. Out through the mouth. Paracetamol. Electrolyte water. Massage. Stretch. Sit. We had the best jacket potato with cheese for lunch. Met some lovely people. Shared stories. Reminded myself – one foot in front of the other. Si walked beside me holding my hand. At times bearing some of my weight through that hand! 

Feeling the legs a lot! Exhausted!
Hobbling but happy!

Ps: Thank you!!!

Day 694

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Last Friday morning I was struck by a young lady I met at work. She was perfectly healthy but was in hospital to donate her eggs. It meant she would have to undergo the risk of an anaesthetic and a minor surgery. But this would make it possible for another couple, unknown to her, to have a baby. There was nothing in it for her – no money or recognition. I asked her what her motivation was. She said, “I do it because I can.”

I instantly saw her humanity shine through. I have always believed that it is in our true nature to help each other in whatever way we can. When asked, we are more than happy to help in whatever way we can. When I was convinced that I could not survive Saagar’s death, many acquaintances and strangers who reached out and helped. Many didn’t have to but they did.

Saagar’s friends have run half marathons, hosted open-mike nights, golf events and walked many miles to help raise awareness about suicide prevention. This is their opportunity to make their humanity shine and bring more light to this planet.

What can I do? I can walk. So, I am walking 50 K tomorrow to mark the World Suicide Prevention Day. It should help raise funds to create more resources for young people in distress. I hope to meet many new people and chat with them about Saagar. I shall carry his picture with me for everyone to see. I am really good at showing him off.

https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/Sangeeta-Mahajan5

For the first time in my life I will also participate in something called ‘The Thunderclap’ – Talk Through the Taboo.

https://www.thunderclap.it/en/projects/45805-talk-through-the-taboo

Just a few things you could join me in. Thank you very much!!!

Day 692

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The missed appointment at the vet.
Another petty lost bet.
The drive past the crematorium.
Why? Why? Why? The pandemonium!
The young woman’s dip-dyed blue hair.
Neither here, nor there.
The overdue car insurance.
Repeated calls testing endurance.
The warm beer cans.
The rude drivers of white vans.
The empty ice-cold ice tray.
Wish the guests would stay!
The man leaving the ‘ladies’.
The misplaced car keys.
The delayed train, again.
The inside out umbrella in the windy rain.
The missed medications.
The fudged calculations.
The purply-pink figs with white patches
The rot comes from nowhere and catches
The avocado bruised blackened.
The skin on me somewhat slackened.
The sweet man-boy.
His rusted old toy.
A necklace with a broken latch.
An ear-ring without its other match.
A letter returned in the post.
To the young dead, a toast!

Day 691

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A snippet from life of a Helpline call centre:

11.51: Bullies at school are telling the next female caller to take her own life. She’s upset and agitated and feels anxious about talking to her parents or GP. After talking through the issues, she says she’s not in immediate danger and will try to talk to her parents and seek support from her GP or the charity if she feels it necessary.

13.49: A mother calls about her son who is struggling at university and has told her he may as well not be alive. She is worried he might be suicidal.

The adviser talks to her for half an hour about asking her son directly about suicide and discusses what other support he may need, including talking to his GP and giving him the HOPELineUK details. Afterwards, the mum says she is more confident about speaking to her son.

18.32: With the suicide prevention advisers on calls, a voicemail is left by a young man. He calls back eight minutes later and starts apologising for calling the helpline.

He’s made plans to take his own life today and despite calling his mental health team and telling them he’s suicidal, he’s still waiting for his case worker to call back.

After 42 minutes on the phone with the helpline suicide prevention adviser, he’s much calmer and says he won’t take his own life today.

18.53: A young transitioning transgender person calls, admitting she’s feeling suicidal today. She spends 23 minutes talking through her issues with a suicide prevention adviser who works with her on a plan to stay safe over the coming hours and signposts her to support networks she may find helpful.

19.38: A text comes in from a young father who says he’s feeling suicidal. He suffered domestic abuse as a child and, as a result of alcohol and drug addiction, has lost contact rights with his own children. He says he has his suicide method in front of him and is intending to end his life.

Let’s break the silence. Hopeline number: 0800 068 4141

Source: https://www.thesun.co.uk/living/1732567/a-caller-wants-to-die-until-he-talks-about-his-cat-suicide-prevention-helpline-hopelineuk-works-to-prevent-hundreds-of-suicides-every-day/