gratitude

Day 597

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This would have been the summer of Saagar’s graduation.
He would be attending various ‘last hurrah’ parties with his friends at this time.
I would be marking the date in my calendar and making sure I get leave from work on the day he graduates.
I would be picking a nice dress to wear for the ceremony wishing for good weather.
I would be giving him the card I bought for him rather prematurely in Canada while I was there for a conference 2 years ago, having no doubt about this occasion arising one day. In jest it said, ”Congratulations on your Graduation! Now you may pack your bags and move out.”

Instead, I played table-tennis after ages today. The last time I played it was with Saagar around Christmas 4 years ago. It was fun. Today was fun too and he was there.
Instead, I cooked mushroom pie for friends today. The last time I cooked for him was 19 months ago and it was fun. Today was fun too and he was there.
Instead, I went out for a long walk in the countryside today. The last time I did that with him was about 3 years ago and it was fun. Today was fun too and he was there.

“If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’ “

Day 582

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A lovely lady came up to me at the end of the Mental Health First Aid for Youth training today and asked, ”This may sound silly but could I have seen you on a morning TV show last summer?” I said yes, quiet possibly. I had put one of Saagar’s black and white pictures up before talking about him at the end of the training. She had seen that picture on TV 10 months ago and seeing it again had reminded her of him and me. Interestingly she had registered Saagar’s image much more strongly than mine. Well, he is unforgettable and not just for me.

She went on to share how she had been inspired that day to look into Mental Health issues closely and make the wellbeing of her students her top priority. She is an English teacher and is passionate about creative writing and now, Mental Health.

On the afternoon of 22nd July last year, at 3 pm I received a call to ask if I would be prepared to show up at BBC studios at 8 am the next day to appear on TV on a live current events show to talk about some issues around suicide. It was very short notice but with the help of my work colleagues I was able to arrange the morning off work. It was a short but meaningful conversation. The responses on Twitter, I am told were many, from people who were deeply touched by it. That one step was taken in a state of being lost and dazed, very unsure of myself having never done anything like that ever before, speaking about the most painful event of my life on national television.

After meeting this lady today, I can see the impact of real stories and conversations.
My faith in the Universe gets stronger everyday. We shall overcome.

“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase. Just take the first step.”
–Dr Martin Luther King Jr.

Day 569

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9-5, yesterday and today was spent teaching the Youth MHFA (Mental Health First Aid) course to nine lovely staff members at a school for children with hearing difficulties.

Each session evoked memories and emotions – confusing, happy and sad. But it was fun. We all laughed and learnt a lot. At the end each one shared one action they would take as a result of the course. They said:

    • I will prioritise listening to my students over all the other stuff I have to do.
    • I will make people aware of the stigma associated with Mental illness and work with them to develop a better understanding of it in the school.
    • I feel confident to ask someone if they are thinking of suicide.
    • I will not pre-judge
    • I will make time for others and try to understand them.

This was music to my ears. I felt like I had found some meaning out of utter and complete meaninglessness. I shared Saagar’s story and felt a deep connection with them. I had a smile on my face, tears in my eyes and my heart overflowed with love and gratitude.
This is how it must feel to be alive.

 

Day 568

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My dearest darling Saagar,

I didn’t know it was possible to love someone before they were born and after they die.
I didn’t know that love and grief can be felt at the same time with killing intensity.
I didn’t know that my heart could get past the shock of loosing you and carry on beating, however tremulously.
I didn’t know that the thought of never seeing you again could be compatible with my life.
I didn’t know Time could stretch and shrink within a few moments, spastically.
I didn’t know that the commonly held belief that ‘Time heals’ is a myth.
I didn’t know that loving connections between people are the most precious things in the world.
I didn’t know that my inner and outer landscapes could be so extremely opposite.
I didn’t know that our lives could be so tightly and beautifully intertwined.
I didn’t know your pain and suffering, only your loving generosity of spirit.
I know now. Thank you.

I am deeply grateful for this day and for every day that we were together on this planet.
Now, I also know that love is stronger than death. I love you. Mamma. xxx

Day 564

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Even now they make me feel like an innocent and sweet child. They make me feel special, secure and deeply loved.

They have gone through difficult times with great dignity and made big sacrifices for the immediate and extended family. They have stuck together through thick and thin and always been there for their kids, be it through difficulties at school, during pregnancy and childbirth or with relationships. They are my source of strength. They are two but I think of them as one.

They shower me with gifts, cook lovely meals for Si and me and do lots of little things for not just me but also my friends. They are so proud of me that it is a bit embarrassing sometimes.

I left home at 16 and have been homesick ever since, wishing I could have more time with them. I have missed them a lot. While abroad, I have spent most of my leave visiting them and still it is never enough.

They are my parents. We had the best evening together. My mother’s specials – dal makhani, fish tikka and mango panna in a warm and loving home.

At the darkest of times, I have thought of them and drawn courage from knowing that even though they are not physically with me, their thoughts and prayers always are. I am never alone.