Memories

Day 646

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Slumped in an arm chair
Legs slung to one side
I day-dream wide eyed.

The music gently plucks the strings
Strung to my heart.
What is it about art?

My eyes struggle and strain
For a sign to appear
And tell me he’s here.

Could the wind carry a clue?
Would the clouds laugh at me?
Wondering why I cannot see?

Is it clear to everyone else?
Am I the only one blind?
Is there a need to be in such a bind?

He, his smile can’t simply disappear.
The ones that love us never truly go away.
They choose a comfy corner in our hearts. And stay.

They shine in every thing we perceive.
They never leave.
Even though we break our hearts and grieve.

My big toe felt moist and warm
I was shaken out of my sojourn
I looked down to find Milkshake, our cat,
Licking my foot and that was that.

In that instant of cuddly fuzziness I knew,
He is here, there
And everywhere.

Day 633

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chakras

Why is it that when I feel sad my throat gets choked and the same thing happens when I feel deeply grateful for something? As I sat with my eyes closed this morning, it came to me that the ‘Throat Chakra’ houses both of them – grief and gratitude. Chakras are part of our subtle (or energy) body. They literally mean – ‘wheels of light’. They are centres of transformation.  Chakras are often called spinning energy vortexes or simply power centres.

The gift of the Throat Chakra is accepting our originality, expressing our authentic voice and speaking our truth. The energy of this chakra allows us to seek knowledge that is true, beyond limitations of time and space and beyond cultural and family conditioning. The “way of the Throat Chakra” is the way of inspired creativity, seeking and sharing of the truth. It is the way of standing up for what we believe, saying no when we need to, and being open and honest in what we say.

I thought about yesterday and all the things that had brought me down so badly. I looked at each one of them closely again. The beautiful memories I have of Saagar – I am so grateful for them. I wish I had more. Shopping with Si – I am so lucky to have him share my life with me and everyday I am grateful for that. A walk in the countryside with some of my family from India – what is sad about that? It is something I dream of. So glad for it to actually happen. The gentle breeze, the warmth of the sun, the happy sounds of kids playing – all of those lovely things that made me sad, I am grateful for. The lovely meal in a nice restaurant with friends and family; the live music – all blessings! Of course I miss Saagar all the time, I always will, yet my heart and throat are full of ‘THANKS’.

Day 632

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IMG_6719

(Naughty…)

It started off with one thing and as the day went on it got stronger and stronger. By the end of the day it got unbearable and the dam broke.

When Saagar and I went shopping for groceries together, he wouldn’t let me touch the trolley. He wanted to be fully in charge of it. Sometimes, just to annoy him I would touch the edge of the trolley with the tip of my little finger and he would most predictably remind me to keep my hands off. It was our little game.

This morning Si and I went shopping together. I wheeled the trolley in and Si casually placed his hand on the edge of it. The memory hit me hard in the face. For a few seconds I completely lost my bearings. I wasn’t sure what to say or feel or do. I just walked around absently following Si and the shopping list.

The rest of the day the feeling of not knowing what to say or do stayed with me. As for feelings – I felt a deep, deep loss and totally lost. I also felt helpless and stuck. I couldn’t really have a proper conversation with anyone. I just listened and nodded and smiled. Everyone seemed to be at a completely different place from me. I felt like I had nothing in common with them. Luckily it was a day of walking in the countryside with close family so there were no particular demands on me. I could just be myself and observe my ‘stuff’.

Thereafter the breeze, the sun shining from behind the clouds, the kids running around and playing, the French signage at the restaurant…. everything painfully reminded me of him.

Finally when the live band of 3 young men started to play and the drums came on nice and loud, the dam broke.

 

Day 630

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She had met Saagar just once. He had come to my hospital to see a colleague in August 2014 and we sat in the tea-room, chatting. She was there too. I had to go but she stayed and spoke with him for a while. She found him very engaging and charming. In fact, she really liked him. She had 3 sons in their late teens/early twenties and we would often talk about our sons. Although we never saw each other socially, we were much more than work colleagues.

She attended Saagar’s memorial service. She was heartbroken for me when he died. She was the first one to have a hot chocolate with me after that as she knew what it meant for me. When I restarted work, Thursdays were most difficult. It was a cursed thursday that I came to work and left him alone to deal with his demons. I came to this very hospital. I saw her on Thursdays. With her kind eyes, generous smile and friendly chat, she slowly made me forget what day of the week it was. I looked forward to seeing her again. We greeted each other with a warm hug every time and made time for a heart to heart. I treasured the time spent with her. On many occasions we tried to meet up socially but it somehow didn’t work. But she read this blog everyday. She said it had become her ‘thought for the day’. She was one of those people who emerged out of nowhere and stood by me like a sacred pillar, being my source of strength and giving me all the credit for it.

Last week she was in her favourite country on holiday. She fell very ill and despite good medical care, passed away within 3 days.

Where do all the good people go? How do I get to grips with this new reality? What now? All over again!

Does she get to see Saagar now? Do they still have a special connection? Are they able to comfort each other? How does this whole thing work?

Love you and miss you M. Peace be upon you. xxx

Day 625

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The 2016 reunion of our batch ended with a bang today. We danced till late at night and had an absolute blast. Si met many of my friends for the first time and they all seemed to get on well. My friends not only liked him and approved of him but were very happy for me, as I am for myself.

Despite all the festivities, two of our classmates were missed most as they could only have attended the event in spirit and I am sure they did. Some of my friend’s kids attended the event, mostly teenagers and young adults. I enjoyed getting to know them. Much as I would have liked to show him off to everyone, which is what I did ever since the day he was born, Saagar could only have attended in spirit and I am sure he did. I felt his presence all the time.

Hundreds of pictures were taken in the hope of capturing the good times and holding on to them forever. Many new memories were created, many friendships consolidated and much strength was derived from the knowledge that we are always there for each other.

The farewells were full of promise and hope of meeting again…soon. As I said many thanks to the universe, this thought came uninvited – Take nothing, absolutely nothing for granted.