Day 573

In the summer of 2012, Saagar attended a formal family lunch to which he was invited by his friend. His friend’s grandmother turned to him and asked, ”How does it feel to be the only foreign person to be sitting down?” (Hidden message: All the other foreign persons present there were waiters.) He was a bit shocked by that but just laughed it off. I wonder how many times he had faced such occasions where he had no choice but to do that.

Microaggressions are the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalised group membership. This term was coined by social scientists at Harvard in the 1970s  to describe an inequitable treatment of another person in a manner that is not overtly “aggressive”, yet which might stem from negligence, ignorance, or what we now call unconscious bias. Eventually, the term came to encompass the casual degradation of any socially marginalised group, such as the poor and the disabled.

Recently I watched a short film called STOP  (trailer) by Green brothers. It very cleverly portrayed a vulnerable young black man’s position in his society.

Here are some other examples of microaggressions:

  • A White man or woman clutches their purse or checks their wallet as a Black or Latino man approaches or passes them. (Hidden message: You and your group are criminals.)
  • A female physician wearing a stethoscope is mistaken as a nurse. (Hidden message: Women should occupy nurturing and not decision-making roles. Women are less capable than men. Happens with me a lot.)
  • The outfit worn by a TV reality-show mom is described as “classless and trashy.” (Hidden message: Lower-class people are tasteless and unsophisticated.)

Microaggressions are active manifestations and/or a reflection of our worldviews of inclusion/exclusion, superiority/inferiority, normality/abnormality, and desirability/undesirability. Even though these biases are implicit, they can be deeply damaging. The deaths of African-Americans at the hands of the police in Ferguson, Cleveland and on Staten Island have reignited a debate about race.

Is it a pure co-incidence that people from black and minority ethnic groups living in the UK are:

  • more likely to be diagnosed with mental health problems
  • more likely to be diagnosed and admitted to hospital
  • more likely to experience a poor outcome from treatment
  • more likely to disengage from mainstream mental health services, leading to social exclusion and a deterioration in their mental health?

 

Day 568

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My dearest darling Saagar,

I didn’t know it was possible to love someone before they were born and after they die.
I didn’t know that love and grief can be felt at the same time with killing intensity.
I didn’t know that my heart could get past the shock of loosing you and carry on beating, however tremulously.
I didn’t know that the thought of never seeing you again could be compatible with my life.
I didn’t know Time could stretch and shrink within a few moments, spastically.
I didn’t know that the commonly held belief that ‘Time heals’ is a myth.
I didn’t know that loving connections between people are the most precious things in the world.
I didn’t know that my inner and outer landscapes could be so extremely opposite.
I didn’t know that our lives could be so tightly and beautifully intertwined.
I didn’t know your pain and suffering, only your loving generosity of spirit.
I know now. Thank you.

I am deeply grateful for this day and for every day that we were together on this planet.
Now, I also know that love is stronger than death. I love you. Mamma. xxx

Day 566

The much talked about ‘Jurassic Park’ had just been released in New Delhi and tickets had to be booked well in advance. The earliest tickets available were for the 4th of May, which happened to be my EDD, Expected Date of Delivery. So we thought about it and went ahead with the bookings anyway. At worst I would miss it. At best I would watch it. As it turned out I did watch it and loved it, big belly and all. Saagar was born 2 days later, on the 6th of May.

This happened 22 years ago.

That day I stepped into an all-consuming ocean of love and I am still immersed in it. It carries me, guides me and motivates me at every juncture.

This year I will be delivering  my first Youth MHFA (Mental Health First Aid) course on the 6/7 May. This course teaches people how to identify, understand and help a person who may be developing a mental health issue. In the same way as we learn physical first aid, Mental Health First Aid teaches early recognition of the crucial warning signs of mental ill health so that a better level of recovery can be achieved. It teaches how to effectively guide patient towards the right support services. Most importantly, it helps breakdown the stigma attached with mental illness. In a nutshell, it really endeavours to fill a big gap in our society. MHFA course  was developed in Australia in 2000 and is now internationally recognised in 23 countries.

I think it would be a fitting tribute to Saagar on his 22nd birthday. Things change.

 

 

 

 

Day 563

Just one day left before we leave this peaceful place and head back home.

The mind is already ahead of itself, on the commuter train in London, juggling time and tasks, falling short of sleep, getting stuck in the things one has to do as opposed to things one wants to do and so on and so forth…

Every now and then it has to be brought back into the ‘now’, soaking up every moment.

At present, it is 30 degrees centigrade outside, birds are chirping, lemongrass tea is waiting to cool down, I am writing at leisure. I am breathing and all is well. I need to place more faith in life and in myself. I need to know that everything is within reach and within means. Including Saagar. His energy is still here. I feel it. It energises me. It brings a smile to my face. It helps me find ways to nourish others and myself. It brings forth all the love in my heart and allows it to flow. Nothing else matters.

Every morning at school assembly, the day used to start with these Sanskrit verses:

Om Asato Maa Sad-Gamaya |
Tamaso Maa Jyotir-Gamaya |
Mrtyor-Maa Amrtam Gamaya |
Om Shaantih Shaantih Shaantih ||

Meaning:

From ignorance, lead me to the truth.
From darkness, lead me to the light.
From death, lead me to immortality.
Om. Peace. Peace. Peace.

At the time I didn’t fully grasp the meaning but I think now I do.

Inhale … Right here.
Exhale… Right now.

Day 552

His bench is ready but I haven’t seen it yet. I have seen the pictures that I am sharing with you.

A delightful young man at Saagar’s old school put it together as his final ‘Design and Technology’ project. He spent a lot of time on developing the idea. He went through many of Saagar’s pictures and stories with me. He read through his memory books. He very politely consulted with me at every stage. He even had me shedding tears on his school blazer at every meeting when I hugged him.

S Bench 2

S Bench 1

S Bench 3

I love the “S” shape. It is elegant and it stands for Saagar and sadly for Suicide too – a co-relation that is established through the bench. For me it is very meaningful. I think the story will be shared widely at installation and on-goingly thereafter so that it carries a message for many other young people. The inscriptions on the bench are well chosen and well done – they also tell part of the story. That he was 20, his hobbies, his humour and his abilities are all well captured. I hope that the school will be able to use this opportunity to educate the boys about the importance of mental well being and asking for help when in difficulty. ‘Never Alone’.

The lime-green legs represent his love for the same colour. It only mentions how old Saagar was, without dates making him ageless in a strange way. It clearly conveys the vulnerability of young men.

A text arrived last night from one of Saagar’s classmates from University, “I hope you’re well. Just wanted to let you know that I’m planning on dedicating my dissertation to Saagar :-> Lots of love to you. xxx”

Creativity, expansion and growth, dedicated to Saagar. How appropriate. He continues to live and his memory continues to inspire. My beautiful boy! Love you!