Sitting at a quiet spot away from the madness of cities and people, thinking back on my life and trying to dissect it seems like a pointless and silly thing to do. Yet, I am doing it. The topmost thought is the large amount of time I have spent doing the things that I thought I ‘have to’ do as opposed to the tiny amount of time spent on things that I ‘want to’ do.

One time I came back home after appearing for an exam and the moment I entered the door my son asked me – Did you win? 🙂

Living thousands of miles from home, working at least 9-11 hours per day, keeping awake all night nearly every 4^th night while on emergency duty, preparing for seriously competitive exams, picking him up from school as often as I could, making sure he’s getting fresh home-cooked meals everyday, going out somewhere nice together on weekends, helping him with home-work, and so on ….. meant that I was constantly pre-occupied, rushing around, sleep deprived and exhausted. That is the Mum he had from 5 to 12.

Did I have to make those choices? Was I subconsciously willing to sacrifice our happiness for manufactured ideals? Why was I unable to stop and reevaluate my priorities? Was it because many others were doing the same thing? Was it just ‘normal’? Was it ok because we were somehow managing?

I sit here looking at the waves lovingly erase the footsteps of all who walk past. No point dwelling on it too much. It is just life. I shift my focus to the horizon and appreciate the view. It is beautiful!

PS: Link of the day:  http://mindslikeours.org/2015/01/03/depression/

A 2 hour flight, an aborted train journey, an hour long wait in a pointless queue, some dodgy negotiations, a 15 hours long, hair-raising taxi ride with much confusion en-route, all adding up to 29 hours later, we reached our destination. The sun was well on its way down, drawing shimmering pinkish pictures in the sky and the ocean. The waves were splashing playfully, singing in baritone and entertaining one and all. The moon was nearly as round as the sun, sitting face to face with it across the skies. The warmth in the breeze was washing all the tiredness away from every cell of my body while bringing comfort to my being. I felt so fortunate to be a witness to this miracle, this dream, this mystery, this life.

This brought back to mind

these lines by Rhydian ‘I won’t let you walk alone’ –

‘As the miles go by, as the days unfold

As the trails of dust turn into gold

As clouds of darkness become rays of light

I’ll be by your side.’

 Yes darling. I know. 🙂

First day of the new year has been very pleasantly spent with a niece, a nephew and the family dog, filled with funny made-up tomfoolery, cheating at card games and lots of laughter and cuddling! It is so disarming when this sweet huge dog places her chin on my lap and looks at me with those doleful eyes begging to be stroked! Completely melts my heart! It feels so good to be needed by somebody.

In the second part of ‘Secret life of a Manic Depressive’ Stephen Fry visits some patients and families dealing with Bipolar Disorder.

A few common themes emerge. The patients are often very capable and ambitious. They also take great pride in who they are and what they do. While these qualities are desirable, the pride often stops patients from asking for help. It also makes it very difficult for them to accept the diagnosis. I know for sure that my son could not bear the thought of never being who he was before he got the illness, either due to the meds or due to the illness itself. He worried about his future prospects. On one of our trips to Sainsbury’s, he said,”I should prepare myself for stacking these shelves for the rest of my life”. Suddenly, all his abilities were inaccessible to him which was frustrating. He could not play the drums or process French anymore which was torture for him. No matter how much I tried to reassure him, he did not believe me.

‘Behind a Glass Wall’ is a book written by Dorothy Schwartz, mother of Zoe Schwartz, who committed suicide at the age of 27. She is also featured in the film mentioned above. Here is an article about the book: http://www.eadt.co.uk/news/features/why_i_had_to_write_daughter_s_sad_story_1_76365

For me as a grieving parent, the biggest enemy has been guilt. It is strangely reassuring to know that I am not the only one. It is the most pointless sentiment anyway. I am being very aware of it and hopefully the troublesome dreams will stop soon too.

Happy 2015 everyone!

New beginnings, however arbitrary.

A new paragraph in a story.

A new opportunity to realize old intentions.

A chance to stop and look at ourselves.

A joyful celebration of life in its totality!

It has been a delightful evening of food, music, dance and lots of hugs spent with close friends and family. And of course our old friend, a wood fire which was cohesive and comforting on a cold winters evening. By the way, I think hugs are one of the best things in the world! I am glad 2014 is over. I have started the New year with a smile and a resolve to not let it be removed  by anything. Everyday I will remember to be grateful for my life and all it’s gifts. I will be joyful.

Here is the link to a music video called ‘Dreaming like a fool’. He had been working on it with his close friends who formed a group called Joaquim and The Smoke Machine. He is the percussionist in the band and also has a cameo appearance in the video as a pedestrian in a yellow t-shirt around the letter box at 1.14-1.20 minutes.

Introducing, the star of the show! Play on my darling! Play on.

Long time ago at one of the handicraft fairs I wanted to buy a beautiful black earthenware pot but my partner’s argument was that we shouldn’t buy it as it might break during one of our many transfers. We promised each other that if that happens, we will not break our hearts over it and we bought it. It graced our home for many years.

If something is breakable, it is a real possibility that it might break, no matter how much I feel it ‘should’ not. I cherish it and look after it and sometimes spend lots of money on it but despite everything it might disintegrate. It is the sense of entitlement that stops us from being ok with whether it stays or goes. Nature has its own laws. Going with the flow would seem to be the best attitude to take for our own peace of mind.

This brings to mind a story about 2 men who were falsely accused of a crime they had not committed and sentenced to life imprisonment. When they left the prison 20 years later, one on them had clearly gone insane from the injustice while the other man was calm and serene. On being asked about how he was able handle the situation, he said, ”I chose it.”

I accept my heart is broken. I have started putting it back together. Soon I shall find a new use for it.