the now

Day 559

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f47a390c-0931-420a-bf0b-77dce0414f9cTwo A4 sheets were written out over the last 6 days. Each covered one thing that I need to forgive myself for. Next, I was to take them to the nearest natural water body, burn them and put the ashes in the water. The lake has receded far from the high land exposing large meadows that are normally green but now sandy brown. The summer has arrived early this year and it is hot. There has been no rain here for 7 months. The temperature this morning was 38 degrees centigrade.

We equipped ourselves with walking sticks, water bottles, head-scarves, hats and sunglasses. We covered up in sun-screen, light cotton full-sleeved tops and linen trousers and set off after breakfast. The jagged walk down a steep slope ended at the tree-line which marks the water level at its highest. Here we were met by a carcass of what appeared to be a large cow. We marked it as a landmark and identified the maxilla, the ethmoid sinuses, some vertebrae and ribs and turned left to walk between the forest and the water towards the rocky beach where the water is accessible.

The sun beat mercilessly down upon us. The heat was palpable. I walked with my head bent, looking at random rocks, piles of cow dung, broken bits of coloured plastic flip-flops, some wild vegetation and dying drying grass. As I looked up I saw black and yellow butterflies dancing about in the green crevices between rocks hidden from the cruelty of the sun. All this time my mind was full of question marks. Why am I doing this? It doesn’t make any sense. It is all so silly. In this heat!

We got there after about 45 minutes. On the tenth attempt the papers finally won over the blowing wind and caught the flame from the burning match-stick. The ashes elegantly fell into the lake and so did the last little white triangle that dropped from my hand. I sat there looking at them till they slowly disappeared.

It felt like a pilgrimage. I am here for a reason.
I am here to set myself free.

Day 558

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For Si

You and I
It’s funny we’re together
Certainly not birds of a feather.

When I met you I knew
that my life would begin, anew.
Though there were tests – one or two
We did manage to come through.
Now I know this to be true
That I am here because of you.

There are no words I can say
To tell you how much it means to see you everyday.
To know that you are with me
Makes me as strong as I can be.
To know, you understand
when I loose it, rave and rant.

Your orangutan arms,
Your wit and charm,
Have me galavanting with you
From the temples of Angkor-wat to Timbaktoo.

Your enthusiasm in infectious.
Your food divine,
Your heart is warm and you are kind.

I am honoured that it’s with me you want to be
And would like to share
the sun, moon and stars,
Chocolates, quinoa and pears.

I am grateful to the Universe for having sent you my way.
And my darling, on this special day,
I wish you a super-fantabulous Birthday.

Day 556

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NLP stands for Neuro-linguistic Programming. The creators of NLP (Bandler and Grinder) claim a connection between the neurological processes (neuro-), language (linguistic) and behavioral patterns learned through experience (programming), and that these can be changed to achieve specific goals in life.

Just before coming away on this holiday, I met a very kind and highly experienced NLP practitioner. He helped me identify that at least half of the suffering caused by Saagar’s death is directly related to the guilt I feel. We set a goal for this break – Forgiveness.

Oxford English Dictionary defines Forgiveness as: “to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt.” It is not an “agreement with” or an “approval of” whatever happened but an acknowledgement followed by learning.

Forgiveness is the energetic act of bringing oneself back into the Living Moment.

Starting today and for the next few days, I shall write down one specific thing I forgive myself for, on a piece of paper. I shall then burn that paper and throw the ashes in the lake.
It’s time.

Day 555

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God knows how often I lament that I don’t have half the time I need, to do half the things I want to. I cannot remember when last I had 15 minutes of unclaimed time. I often amuse myself with thoughts of one week’s complete idleness with absolutely no demands on my time. Given how precious time is, fleeting and beyond recall, what a luxury it would be to have enough to squander some as a mere indulgence.

And here I am, at one of my favourite places in the whole world – a little sub-tropical spot unmarked on any tourist map, completely off the beaten track and hidden away like a precious jewel, only to be experienced by a fortunate few. It could easily be called the ‘back of the beyond’ – a remote, verdant green peninsula extending elegantly into a large, calm lake and surrounding itself by clear blue waters on three sides. All I hear is a symphony of a wide variety of bird songs, insect calls, silky-soft rustle of leaves and a background hum of bees.

This is home for 10 days.
I am here to stop. Pause.
Retreat. Relax. Refresh.
Stand back and watch.
Quieten the mind.
Break some thought patterns.
Breathe. Sleep. Rest.
Enjoy nature a hundred percent. Smile.
Forgive.

And learn to love myself again.