gratitude

Day 437

Posted by

1

One year ago I was here – exactly at this spot on this beach with my man, Si. I sat for hours looking at the waves come and go, over and over again. I sat feeling blank, shocked and sad. I just sat.
Some days I walked a hundred yards.
Once or twice I had a soak in the sea.
Mostly I stared vacantly into the distance, missing him so much that the pain felt like a burning hole through my chest.

Today I am here again. Si is still by my side. I don’t know how he does it. My parents are here. A very close friend is also here. Five of us are having a relaxing and nourishing time together. Saagar is here of course. His thoughts and memories are here. The questions are still here. The umpteen ways in which I could have changed the course of nature if only time would rewind are also here and the chorus continuously marches through my head. This caravan travels with me everywhere. It does not appear to be thinning but my ability to carry it has improved.

The rice and fish curry this afternoon was absolutely delicious. Saagar would have loved it. He would definitely have licked his plate as a complement to the chef. Yes. To my utter horror he could be like that sometimes.

Every moment of everyday is still filled with emptiness but I can eat, walk, laugh, play and somehow appear ‘normal’. I don’t know how I do it.

Day 423

Posted by

1

Meandering between the worlds of dream and reality, I have been looking at various religious teachings around connecting with the departed souls in a positive manner.

At the core of the Buddhist practice of SGI (Saka Gakkai International) lies the chanting of Nam-myoho-renge-kyo (daimoku).

Mr. Toda, one of the leaders asserts: “Chanting Nam-myoho-renge-kyo for the deceased is the only way we can truly bring positive benefit to their lives. The Mystic Law functions to connect our lives to others in the universe, much like radio waves. This is another reason why it’s important to chant vigorous daimoku. When our daimoku for the happiness of the deceased resonates with powerful life force, it not only imparts strength and vitality to their lives, but our own lives are also invigorated as a result. The purpose of our prayers for the deceased is for our lives to commune with our deceased loved ones and countless ancestors.

Instead of simply offering prayers for the deceased suffused with the grief of bereavement, let us resolve to walk the path of kosen-rufu (the ceaseless effort to enhance the value of human dignity, to awaken all people to a sense of their limitless worth and potential) with our deceased loved ones throughout the three existences of past, present, and future, with strong faith and confident of the wondrous life force of the Mystic Law.”

Yes. Reading that excerpt makes me feel strong and gives me hope. It is possible for us to work with our energy in memory of those we love who have passed to bring about awakening.

 

Day 417

Posted by

0

Today is my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary.
Golden!

While on the phone with them about 10 days ago, I realized that it is a big deal. I had not really given it much thought. Between work, home improvements and all the other stuff that goes on in my heart and mind, I am often not aware of anything else. It was almost as if I had just learnt that this was going to be a very special occasion.

Well. Now that it had struck me and I had woken up, I had 10 days to do something about. So, we planned a surprise visit from London to India and back at extremely short notice – leave, visa, tickets, gifts and cards! It was as much a surprise for me as for them.

My brothers conspired with me to ensure that my parents would be at home when I got there and the scene was set. When I got home, the front door was already ajar for some reason. I wore my new hat and knocked lightly on the door. Then I walked in nonchalantly. My Mum and Dad were sitting in the front room having a cup of tea with a friend. The expressions on their faces changed several times within a second – from shock to confusion to surprise to disbelief and then utter and pure joy! It was priceless! Big hugs and smiles followed and the story slowly unfolded itself. Various pieces of the jigsaw came together and it absolutely made their day!

I am here as much for myself as for them. While it means a lot to them to have me here on their special day, it makes me happy that I can make them happy. Simple pleasures 🙂  Building memories with those we love. Cherishing them. That’s what it’s about.

While Saagar is with me always, I must remember to go on living for the living.

 

Day 416

Posted by

2

lilies

Day 416

A few days ago I shared one of my favourite pictures of Saagar on this blog but I couldn’t get myself to talk about it because I just couldn’t. I knew I would just start blabbering my heart out like I am about to.

That picture was taken during his last year at school, sometime in 2012. That was one of the few in which he had managed to keep a straight face probably because he had to as it was taken at his school.

What can I say?
That the light in his eyes is the light in my life.
That I remember how he got annoyed with me if I touched his hair.
That I loved the little dimple on his chin.
That I adored his lashes from day he was born till the day he died.
That he is beautiful.
(I would say that. Wouldn’t I? Completely unbiased!)
Each time I see his face my heart shatters into smithereens and at the same time I find the strength to stay solid.
That this picture is the wallpaper on my phone and I show it off to anyone who will see it.
I look at it when I want to know what the time is or when I need to use my phone for any other reason and often for no reason other than just to look at him.

That I am so proud to be his Mum.
That I love him. He is my superstar.
That he will always live though me.
Through my work and my way of being.

3 memorial services have been held in his memory since he left. All of them, reminders of the incredibly positive impact he has had on many people’s lives. In his 20 years he has touched more lives than many do in 80 years or more.

“You can shed tears that he is gone
Or you can smile because he has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want:
Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

The two options are not mutually exclusive.
I live them both together in every moment.
I didn’t know that was possible but it is.

Day 411

Posted by

0

Support groups have an important role in the management of mental illness. People support each other on an equal basis to offer something based on shared experiences. It has a long and honourable history. People create a space that is open, allowing for sharing from the heart. It can happen in all sorts of places, in one-to-one settings and in groups. Within local communities these groups can be a basis for campaigning and activism.

Peer support offers many benefits, for example: shared identity and acceptance, increased self-confidence, the value of helping others, developing and sharing skills, improved mental health, emotional resilience and wellbeing, information and signposting, challenging stigma and discrimination.

For the last 8 months I have been attending SOBS meetings once or twice every month. (Survivors Of Bereavement through Suicide).

I have met some wonderful people there, learnt a lot and found solace in knowing that I am not the only one who is in so much pain that I think I am loosing my mind. To my utter surprise some other people in the group have found my sharing useful.

On the International Suicide Prevention day (10th September 2015) we held a vigil at Hyde Park in London remembering our loved ones. This is what one of the bereaved parents wrote:

Private grief in public places

 “Private grief in public places: that is
What it was; us sitting on the grass
And cotton-wool clouds, sparse
But tinged with gold, drifting out west
This September 6 o’clock.
We tried our best
To look serious, solemn as one wiped a tear
As some of us shared our private grief without fear.
Yes dear, yes. We know the pain as we move a chair,
Was it his, or her, footstep on the stair?
Or the comb on the floor,
Near the bathroom door;
And the cyclists sliding silently beyond the trees
And the buses, and coaches, trucks and cars.
Are they all going home
While we sit on the grass recalling….?
What were we recalling;
The traces of grief
On the faces or the shoe-laces undone?
The yellow ‘candlelings’ on the grass twinkling
Like in some forgotten ritual of yonder years.
No, we do not forget
Nor forgo the pain we feel;
The frog in the throat
Nor the remembered smile in the wind,
And this gathering of strangers
Now bonded with a common theme.
So thank you friends, thank you,
For helping me off the ground
And sharing your pain,
Lightening my burden
Is my joyful gain.”