Day 638

yello arum lilies

 

Just a routine commute back home from work.
Rucksacks on Si and me.
And a thick layer of fatigue.

The Bustimes App said 6 minutes.
The double decker arrived in 4.
We beeped in following the 14 odd people before.

They spead out on the top floor.
Each one by a window.
Just one last vacant pair of seats to go.

I slide past him to get to the window seat.
An unsaid rule that we repeat.
He sits down beside me and we happen to look down at our feet.
The sight is that of an unusual wonderfulness.
A paper bag full of sunny yellow soft beautifulness.

We look closely at multiple tapering funnels unfurl.
Many a bright green stem
Unfold into an elegant yellow curl.

I pick out of the bag as I reach.
Four bundles, a dozen each.
For us! It’s hard to believe.
Yellow arum lilies someone did leave.

Wonder what their story was.
Who were they meant for?
Where were they headed? Was someone to be wedded?

Well, they came home with us.
They seem happy enough.
Looking pretty and shining their light.
Just what Saagar would have liked.

Day 625

The 2016 reunion of our batch ended with a bang today. We danced till late at night and had an absolute blast. Si met many of my friends for the first time and they all seemed to get on well. My friends not only liked him and approved of him but were very happy for me, as I am for myself.

Despite all the festivities, two of our classmates were missed most as they could only have attended the event in spirit and I am sure they did. Some of my friend’s kids attended the event, mostly teenagers and young adults. I enjoyed getting to know them. Much as I would have liked to show him off to everyone, which is what I did ever since the day he was born, Saagar could only have attended in spirit and I am sure he did. I felt his presence all the time.

Hundreds of pictures were taken in the hope of capturing the good times and holding on to them forever. Many new memories were created, many friendships consolidated and much strength was derived from the knowledge that we are always there for each other.

The farewells were full of promise and hope of meeting again…soon. As I said many thanks to the universe, this thought came uninvited – Take nothing, absolutely nothing for granted.

 

 

Day 622

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Since the day Saagar died I have lit a candle in his memory, in front of his picture every evening. Some days when I am home all day, I light it in the morning and keep it on all day. It feels peaceful. Each time I light the candle I caress his face and look into his eyes. I admire his beautiful face and his short but brilliant life. I watch the hypnotic flickering flame and allow it to sooth my senses. Sitting still, watching the dancing flame, I meditate. This solitary light dispels the darkness in my life and in the world.

For centuries people all over the world, from various traditions and religions have lit candles in remembrance of loved ones as a way of healing the past and bringing hope for the future. This daily ritual connects me to all those people, past and present. It is the focal point of my evenings. It brings together love, sorrow and gratitude to one point. It focuses my thoughts, intentions and prayers. It brings me to this present moment, strengthening my faith in the human spirit and my resolve to change things for the better. It makes me see that Saagar is here with me.

 

Day 621

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A self portrait as a 10 year old printed on a primary school tea towel.

Typical boy!

In his mid-teens he was a bit obsessed with the form of the male bits. When snow fell, he would outline the bits on the thin film of snow on windscreens of cars. He could artfully peel oranges to create the desired shape of the bits with the peel impressively in one piece. Sometimes when his friends were over, I would find the fridge magnets moved around and rearranged to resemble their favourite shape. Often I could hear giggles and laughter coming from the kitchen when they were up to some such naughtiness.

One summer evening I was driving him and his drum set to a church hall to be part of a musical event. The venue was on ‘Bellenden Road’. When Saagar heard that name his face and eyes lit up with a naughty amused smile. He found it terribly funny and I had no clue why. He double checked with me if that was the real name of the road and continued to enjoy his secret joke. A few days ago I randomly remembered that day and asked Si what was funny about the word ‘bellenden’. He too instantly smiled and gave me an explanation. Yes. Funny! So predictable!

Boys!

Day 617

 

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Of late I am being introduced to a whole new vocabulary – Pallof hold, farmer’s walk, goblet squats, dead-walk, dead-bug, burpies, dead-lifts and bench presses. A whole new world of weird and wonderful movements designed to improve core strength and what not. In the gym environment where most people are doing similar stuff, I robotically follow instructions to precision. It’s only a day later that I discover places in my body that I didn’t know existed.

It’s not pleasant. The simplest of movements like getting in and out of the car can be painfully uncomfortable. Yet, I feel good and a couple of days later, go back for more. My instructor is a lovely young man who often reminds me of Saagar. He has a very self-deprecating sense of humour and he does make me laugh.

If half an hour of moderate exercise could be packed into a little pill, it would be the best supplement of all. The physical benefits of exercise are well known but it’s effect on the mind is intriguing. I find it to be stimulating and relaxing at the same time. I feel better on days that start with a session of exercise. I sleep better too. Even though everything aches, I feel more energetic.

While it is hard work, its good.