Day 791

Looking forward with help.
Looking back with support.
Looking at this moment with love.

A bunch of daffodils
A beacon of hope.
A bag of tulip bulbs.
A promise of life.
All here, in this room.

A crackling log fire.
A sparkling tree.
Singing carols with friends.
Gobbling words and notes.
Giggles and gossip.

Trout with celeriac mash.
Apple spiced with cinnamon.
A brisk walk in the fields.
Hugs and kisses.
Love and best wishes.

Blessings and prayers.
Here and there.
Everywhere.
No complaints.
Yes, pain. That’s plane.
Yet, heaps of smiles.

Thank you for what is.
Thank you.

Looking forward with love.
Looking back with love.
Looking at this moment with love.

Day 789

Posted by kidsaregifts20

It’s come back. Last 2 years we sat on a beach and pretended it wasn’t happening. We ignored Christmas. Overlooked it. Avoided it. This year, we are home. We are here to face it in all it’s glory and brutality, helplessly watching the abundance of ‘missing’ it precipitates. For many years I volunteered to work on Christmas as I believed it meant more to my colleagues who belong to the Christian faith than it did to me. With whatever time we had together as a family we enjoyed the social aspect of X-mas.

When Saagar was eleven, I wrapped his gift in a hurry and left the roll of wrapping paper in the ‘miscellaneous’ cup-board. When he saw the gift from Santa, he gave me a quizzical look, like a cocker spaniel and said, “But…”. That was the end of it. Although we laughed about it, the Santa story was blown away in that instant. As an adult he thought it was unfair on kids to be ‘lied to’ by their parents. We took different standpoints on matters of wonder, mystery, magic and innocence.

After much internal resistance over the last week, I finally installed a postmodern Christmas tree of white and silver twigs with pink fairy lights right in front of Saagar’s picture. Milkshake loved it and immediately took shelter underneath it. He hasn’t budged in 3 days except for short food and loo breaks. Last evening 3 of Saagar’s friends had dinner with us. I was reminded of how much fun we would have talking about absolutely inconsequential things (drivel) for hours! The fabulous combination of a sharp intellect and a great sense of fun was familiar. Laughter filled the house. American, South African, Indian and Australian accents appeared and disappeared. Stories of travels, girl-friends, dysfunctional families, Facebook pictures and safe-spaces were shared. Opinions on demands for transgender toilets and identity politics were expressed. Future plans were discussed. B showed off her new elephant tattoo and I proudly displayed my Saagar tattoo. Food was polished off. Time flew past.

Wonder what he would have looked like at 22. Wonder what he would have done after graduation. Wonder if he would have had a girl-friend. The ‘missing’ is awful but ‘what might have been’ is killing too.

It was happy and sad. We missed him. Our love for him and his for us brought us closer together. That is the new normal – joyful and tragic at the same time – 2 sides of the same coin.

Day 786

Posted by kidsaregifts20

An early morning taxi ride to Sky News studios. A brief disjointed interview. No idea where I was supposed to look as there were 3 cameras in front of me. No preparatory cup of tea, orientation or introduction. I think they assumed I was a professional when in fact I was a bundle of nerves. Despite what everyone said, I know I blew it. Well, it’s over now. A sigh of relief!

Then came another one – a sigh of sadness arising from a heavy heart, expelling melancholy from the body. My eyes fell upon his beautiful face and there… another sigh! According to old wisdom, sighing is a way of maintaining physical and mental health. It was also an accepted method of prayer, a way of communicating with the divine.

Got started with work and found more sighs of boredom, frustration, irritation and disappointment coming forth. The unburdening of the soul through a deep in-breath and out is strangely satisfying too, especially when it is not audible to anyone but you. At the end of a working day, a content sigh of a job well done.

A quiet evening at home with the cats as Si is out of town. Sigh!

“You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh, the fundamental things apply, as time goes by…”

Day 783

Posted by kidsaregifts20

photo-8

(Christmas lights on Bond Street)

Christmas in London is spectacular. Most offices had a ‘Christmas jumper’ day. It was visible right from the morning commute. The young man sitting opposite me on the train wore a half sleeved, white cotton shirt, snowmen printed in a brown outline with a big red bow around their necks. Sweet. Made him look like a child playing grown-up.

As I walked into work, one of the girls appeared in a red jumper with ‘Great Baubles’ boldly printed in white right across her chest and 3 innocent little baubles drawn underneath.

The gym instructor adorned ‘DICKSOUTFORCHRISTMAS’. Bells, holly, mistletoe, reindeers, candy sticks, Santa, Christmas trees, stockings and sparkle scattered everywhere. Matching hats popped up too. Scarves flowed about. Red, green and white dominated. Ear-rings, bracelets, socks joined in. Faces carried similar themes on their eyes, eye-lids, lips and cheeks. Smiles spread across. Music jingled non-stop. Fizz popped. Glasses clinked.

The TV in the corner, quietly showed chafed lips, bitter winters, big clouds of dust, big machines, commotion, uprooted peoples, desimated towns, crying children…

Cinnamon and orange. Candles and gifts. Mulled wine and mince pie…

Happy Christmas!

Day 779

Posted by kidsaregifts20

Psilocybin is the active hallucinogenic compound in ‘magic mushrooms’. It was banned in the 1960s but recent preliminary research has shown that it may have potentially beneficial effects in patients with anxiety and depression. The subjects for this research were cancer patients, 40-50% of whom will have a diagnosis of anxiety and/or depression.

A team at Johns Hopkins in Baltimore conducted studies where patients were randomly administered the drug or a placebo. They were then encouraged to focus on their internal experience. Those who received Psilocybin had a significant improvement in depression, anxiety and mood disturbances. They also showed a higher level of optimism, a better quality of life and acceptance of death.

The main feature of the experience was a feeling that everything is connected. People felt they’ve learnt something that is of deep meaning. It caused a change in their value systems, in how they approach life and interact with other people. Some patients described the experience as a spiritual awakening.

The single feeling of connectedness with everything is the key to well-being. Many spiritual practices aim to manifest this feeling of oneness with all creation. My beloved spiritual leader Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, ‘From somebody become nobody and from nobody become everybody.’

Ref:https://www.drugs.com/news/magic-mushroom-compound-triggered-positive-personality-change-study-33958.html (ps: This study is far from conclusive and does not wish to encourage the use of hallucinogens. )